A medical student memoir

Deaf mute 6 months pregnant

One of the conundrums of my personality is how self-defeating I have been. My studies were poor, my knowledge inadequate and I don't feel good about myself. There are many anecdotes of this self destructive behavior but I am thinking about how I went through my surgical program in medical school. At that time we were supposed to scrub hands and arms 10 minutes with a brush but I felt it was too abrasive so I held the brush in my palm and by cupping my fingers I could pretend to scrub as I lightly moved my fingers over the skin of the other arm and pretend. I would sing to my self as I watched the clock. One day I looked up and a staff physician was watching me and I immediately started to scrub feeling very humiliated. This is an example of committing an act that I knew was wrong and then feeling humiliated when discovered. This is obstructionist behavior and I had the temerity, the self righteous indignation to feel I was right. Several years later information came out suggesting over scrubbing released bacteria from hair follicles and less scrubbing might be a better alternative, I felt vindicated. And for the next ?5 decades I did not consider that my behavior was motivated in opposition behavior and not in science based conclusion. (interesting how much of Justin's behavior was oppostional and provocative and how it mimicked my own. Genetic? personality trait?)

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