Jet Lag X 2

I have been back home for 5 days now and the week passed quickly without much awareness. I got home Saturday night and had moderate to severe jet lag Sunday and Mon day. Tuesday I did not have much energy and Wednesday and Thursday I returned to work which I enjoyed. I am mentally not working as a doctor anymore and have delegated all surgery and much work to the PA's. I am not sleeping well and my muscles are tense, though I haven't been in the gym in 2 weeks and that always makes me stiffer. 2 1/2 weeks ago we went to Stockholm for Freddie's birthday and we had no time for jet lag as the party was the next day. We took care of her for the next 5 days although only the first night. It was a lot of fun and she grows in behavior every day. She walks well now though somewhat side to side and she is constantly curious. She has a lovely personality and smiles a lot; always pointing to something "dar" then when we go over there she points to another place "dar". Then we went to London and saw Rebecca and Geoff and she is pregnant. What a joy though now we need to figure out how we will spend time in London to take care of the child whom I have named Ebba-In-Quotes because we all like the name Ebba but we don't know what they will name her when the time comes. Maybe I can pay rent on an extra bedroom and bath in a new apartment they will live in though they are not committed to living in London. In retrospect it has been a hectic and very fruitful 2 1/2 weeks,. I am not sure how to stay aware and live all these things. Ultimately reflection may be the best tool.
11/24/18 So now I am 2 weeks back and last night is the first night I had a restful night sleep and I feel much more positive this morning. One of the jobs of the grandparent is to handle your children with kid-gloves. They are powerful now in that they can exclude you from the grandchildren and from themselves. We are constantly trying to say the right things, though I stray a bit with my jokes and Kerstin strays with her "truths". I wonder if this is the way to bring up children but then you are affirming things you know to be wrong. Somewhere in between is probably the answer.
In the meantime retirement is constantly on my mind. Even the word keeps recurring and my dreams are full of anxiety. I really dpont want to see patients anymore but I have trepidation about how I will live my life and what it will be like to live in Stockholm. Though Skanor is very peaceful it is almost too docile for a normal life and intellectually it is deficient. I am excited at the thought of going to school at Stockholm University. It brings me back to feelings many years ago and the probably unrealistic hope that I can meet a frient or 2 there. Lewaving patients and saying good-by is sad and as I reflect on what I did nopt accomplish or how I never fit in I think that everyone goes to the end of their career or life and thinks they are alone and they dont carry their title with them into the future. If I am not a doctor who am I. I would even give up the title doctor but then I am reminded of my father slinking about not wanting to be seen. I must return to the idea of leaving.

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