Back to Depression

Next Tuesday is Jan 1 and I have an extra day off, or at least I would have if I were still working. Technically I retire on Dec 31 but my last day was Dec.27. So I really don't have a day off because I don't have any more days on. It just isn't as much fun to squeeze in a round of golf or a trip to the gym if I don't have to be somewhere or stress somehow to get it in. My to do list is just not as compelling.
The time is January, maybe February 2003. I am recuperating from my Whipple surgery and Pam called the surgeon and told him I am very depressed. He talks to me over the phone and tells me I need to see a psychiatrist. I set up an appointment with Dr Feinstein or whatever and see him for about 2 weeks. My affect is flat. I have a shit marriage, a shit relationship with my son, no intimate friends and I feel nothing. Dr. F finally asks me: Ed, have you cried? I reply "no". That's funny, he says. I cry every night for you. My tears flushed out and I cried and asked if I could hug him while crying. He allowed me. Feelings  back. Life still shit but feelings back.
Hw small and alone I feel. Alsays felt that way. My b lewssing is my wife but in my flat affect I shut her out.

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