Rites of Passage in Retirement

Today is officially my 11th day of retirement. I do not miss work, nor patient care, nor dialogue with patient, nor contact with staff. I miss my identity and my connection to the world. I never had many friends, very few in fact. I never felt I belonged anywhere and if I am gregarious I am also isolated and don't relate well to men. Kerstin is the only person I can enjoy or tolerate being around repeatedly.
Being a doctor was an identity and unlike many I didn't feel superior being one. The perception of my arrogance was in my rigidity and dogmatic way of speaking. And maybe sounding angry. But it was my identity. Problem is when I was high, feeling good, I was confident and when I was a doctor if I was not in a conflict situation I felt secure and confident interacting with patients but at other times I am unsure of myself. Now I will move to Stockholm and I am insecure and perhaps fearful. I could easily melt into Florida and then my identity would really be minimal and in Skanor if Lasse isn't around I really have no life. I can read finance but eventually it loses its meaning or value. So I don't have value. I like golf although I regret I am such an incompetent athlete. And I cannot putt because I don't have confidence and don't accept that I won't make the putt and it is OK. Yet I feel self conscious and literally small when I putt or am aware of being listened to principally in a crowd and especially if I am standing or performing as with golf.  I don't know if I have IBD or Crohn's but either way it responds to my emotions. It is a miracle that I am alive after pancreatic surgery , now 16 and 1/2 years. Yet my life is largely unchanged and certainly Kerstin made the biggest change in my life but still I am who I am and feel I don't measure up to whatever it is that I want to be.

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