Memoirs of a Life Living

During one of my rotations in internship at Passavant Memorial  Hopital (Northwestern Memorial Hospital) I met a patient who was dying from kidney failure. She was very weak and kindly and plain looking though she combed her hair each day. She had been an English teacher and as best I could tell had few if any visitors. It is not common to meet educated people let alone educators who maintain an interest in the arts or literature or in learning. As I got to know her I felt a kindred attachment to her and of an evening when I was on call or if I were off at a decent hour I would go to her room to talk and to bring her some poetry which I would read to her. She was much more  educated in poetry than I and she would close her eyes as I would read  until the intervals of her breathing would lengthen and at last I felt she could relax into what appeared to be a restful sleep. Ultimately she became comatose and was transferred to the ICU (intensive care unit) where I would visi...

Mother One afternoon I was sitting in the dining room of our 2 bedroom one bath apartment. Facing my typewriter (newly minted Royal portable) so I was about 13 years old writing some homework I assume at the heard of our oblong dining room table. In this position I was facing the front door of our apartment in our 2 story house shared below with Uncle Sherwin and Aunt Betty. Ultimately my mother came home carrying a bag or 2 of groceries and as she passed through the door through the small "foyer" and into the dining room she suddenly grabbed her right breast and stopped as if in pain or short of breath. Fearfully I rose and shouted Mom are you are right. I am fine, she replied I am fine and proceeded to walk in a stately and self possessed manner  through the dining room with the stoicism (real or not) I came to expect from her. (This last scene, remarkably, was actually depicted in exact duplicate form without the groceries on a British comedy series of a Jewish family by ...

10/20/18 e-mail to my daughter who has left Plato's Cave: The World According to >?Garp Edward Lack   < pagingdrlack@gmail.com > 8:11 PM (4 minutes ago) to  Geoff Dearest Child, You are becoming a Lack! I say that as a compliment, I think. My Grandfather Benjamin is looking down now and seeing you blossom like a flowered bud exposed to spring and basking in the warmth of the sun. Yes truths are painful and if we open our hearts, provoke intense emotion. May I ask (suggest) that you read Plato's "The Cave". So many other great books of literature to put the present into perspective but two of the greatest are Anna Karenina and A Tale of Two Cities. I am suggesting you read early literature so that you are not only exposed to truths but to the eternity of suffering. All 3 are  also fun to read. If we are going to speak about America we must note that America was founded in rac...

December 21,2018 Xmas is approaching and this time it is different. In another week I will retire and a new life starts. Part of me wishes I could stay the same; same house, smae routine, same projects . But I know I would wither away, be more tired, do less. Kerstin and I are moving to Stockholm, at least 6+ months a year and I will form a new life. The winters will be cold. No car. Lots of walking. No familiarity. The positives are I must be alert to function in this new environment. I can see Freddie, my incredibly bright and focused grandchild often. We will be near London and hopefully our new to be granddaughter, Ebba-In Quotes will arrive and we can forge a relationship with her. It is a bit scary because we know that our relationship with our children will largely determine what that rtelationship will be. However, Rebecca sincerely wants us to be a part of Ebba's life so if we can give each other some space it can be as wonderful as our relationship with Freddie. I will ...

12/26/2018 I ahve 2 working days left before retirement. I have many feelings about this and not a little trepidation. This is opportunity!

Next Tuesday is Jan 1 and I have an extra day off, or at least I would have if I were still working. Technically I retire on Dec 31 but my last day was Dec.27. So I really don't have a day off because I don't have any more days on. It just isn't as much fun to squeeze in a round of golf or a trip to the gym if I don't have to be somewhere or stress somehow to get it in. My to do list is just not as compelling. The time is January, maybe February 2003. I am recuperating from my Whipple surgery and Pam called the surgeon and told him I am very depressed. He talks to me over the phone and tells me I need to see a psychiatrist. I set up an appointment with Dr Feinstein or whatever and see him for about 2 weeks. My affect is flat. I have a shit marriage, a shit relationship with my son, no intimate friends and I feel nothing. Dr. F finally asks me: Ed, have you cried? I reply "no". That's funny, he says. I cry every night for you. My tears flushed out and I cr...

This is one pretentious title, but I want to get some things off my chest and then maybe I can be more analytical. I find fault with myself for not having been a good student, not having leareed as much as I could, having empathy when a patient touched my soul and being provocative and argumentative when I did not like patients. Yet I think my heart was in the right place. I believe Yale Medical School did a survey on my class, the class of 19369 and found that the number one reason for becoming a doctor was to seek prestige. I believe if a survey were conducted today, it would reveal a quest for money. My grievance is that the entire medical profession, nay, the entire culture revolves around acquiring riches. The pursuit of knowledge, well being of our fellow man, sophistication, comraderie and harmony have been relegated to a lesser goal. The doctors , the pharmaceuticals, the para-medicals, the hospitals, and above all the money-power thirsty politicians who line their money with...

I grew up in a crazy house. Outwardly normal but definitely crazy. With hindsight my mother suffered from anxiety neurosis with significant paranoid ideations characterized by constant or almost constant perceptions of fear. My father was clinically depressed and fearful of confrontation especially with men which is why he attempted to exert dominance over me. I have a sister who was also a victim of parental characterizations but shall not be dealt with in any detail for this story. I perceive of my own fearfulness becoming conscious around the age of 5 though my mother told me I was a clingy child. Whether this was due to her projections of fear which I incorporated or to my own genetic background I do not know. I do have a remembrance of my parents going out and leaving me with my grandmother babysitting and me standing in my crib crying severely. I perceive my mother closing the door and subsequently my grandmother picking me up to comfort me. I was a product of what I would call o...

Deaf mute 6 months pregnant One of the conundrums of my personality is how self-defeating I have been. My studies were poor, my knowledge inadequate and I don't feel good about myself. There are many anecdotes of this self destructive behavior but I am thinking about how I went through my surgical program in medical school. At that time we were supposed to scrub hands and arms 10 minutes with a brush but I felt it was too abrasive so I held the brush in my palm and by cupping my fingers I could pretend to scrub as I lightly moved my fingers over the skin of the other arm and pretend. I would sing to my self as I watched the clock. One day I looked up and a staff physician was watching me and I immediately started to scrub feeling very humiliated. This is an example of committing an act that I knew was wrong and then feeling humiliated when discovered. This is obstructionist behavior and I had the temerity, the self righteous indignation to feel I was right. Several years later in...

Today is officially my 11th day of retirement. I do not miss work, nor patient care, nor dialogue with patient, nor contact with staff. I miss my identity and my connection to the world. I never had many friends, very few in fact. I never felt I belonged anywhere and if I am gregarious I am also isolated and don't relate well to men. Kerstin is the only person I can enjoy or tolerate being around repeatedly. Being a doctor was an identity and unlike many I didn't feel superior being one. The perception of my arrogance was in my rigidity and dogmatic way of speaking. And maybe sounding angry. But it was my identity. Problem is when I was high, feeling good, I was confident and when I was a doctor if I was not in a conflict situation I felt secure and confident interacting with patients but at other times I am unsure of myself. Now I will move to Stockholm and I am insecure and perhaps fearful. I could easily melt into Florida and then my identity would really be minimal and in ...

The Russian military decided to create the most powerful army in the world: A Super Russian Army. To accomplish their goal htey trained for a yera and finally it was time to show their achievement to the Russian government. The general in charge brought out the unit to the parade ground and had them halt. He went up to the first man and said Stick out your arm. The soldier did as he was told and the general swiftly cut it off with a saber. Does that not hurt you he commanded. No that does not hurt me. Why he asked. Because I am a super Russian soldier. He went to the next man and said stick out your leg. The man did as he was told and the general seiftly cut it off with his saber. He then asked Does that not hurt you? No shourted the soldier. Why commanded the general. Because I am a super russion soldier he replied. He then march down the line wher a short Jew was standing at atention. The general then tore open his pants and the penis fell to the ground. The general cut the penis off...

This is the beginnning of a new journey. Scary adn exciting, pleasing and anxieity provoking at the same time. Today is 1/28/19 and tomorrow we move from Skanor to Stockholm. It ahs b een a rough jet-lag and very hectic packing up for the move. Kerswtin is doing the decision making and she literally has not been able to sleep with jet-lag and anxietyover our movve,, what furniture to bring from Skanor (formeerly in Chciago) and how to pack everything. I think we will come back in 2 weeks to get more stuff but wthe movers will come tomorrow for the big itemsw.

I am now Stockholm Man. I have grown a full beard-stubble. I went out today at about 0 degree C without my gloves or hat or scarf. In fact I even lost a glove and I sneered at the lost glove and thought, "I don't need you. I will live well without you. I spit on those who need you." This I thought to myself as I banished further thoughts of glove dependence.

Put my head through chair rode wave runner under a pier when couldn' t stop When I was young my thoughts were only about myself. When I married the first time there was little change. When I married the second time I felt as if our personalities merged and in a sense I lost my autonomy. I still acted selfishly with spntaneous responses. When I married the third time I feel a difference between my wife and myself. I feel a need for her love and to share mine. I temper my spontaneous responses. less ego. People who live in Florida live longer but age sooner. When I was 24-5 I went camping to isolated Cqnada with 3 guys who were experienced. I fe;t no fear and enjoyed myself. Today the thought fills me with fear and especially concerns with GI problems and wigh going over rapids and waterfall!! Self image is probably the primary determinant of attitudes. As my sense of inferiority and not belonging is strong, also my size and lack of athleticism, my sense of opposition and h...

I led the first decade of my career in perpetual enthusiasm for helping sick people. Each case was an emotional experience and my responses were spontaneous consistent with system I thinking. I neither measured my response nor its validity. I think my enthusiasm and commitment to do good were admirable but I do not think I was the best doctor I could hve been, Hence I also pissed off a lot of people and a lot of doctors. I had  a sort  of friend mentor internist who referred me a hospitalized case of scalded skin syndrome . I stayed up all night with her and in the morning when the internist made rounds I greeted him and said thanks you Dr. ___ for trusting me to take care of this very difficult case., Ed, he said, at my age I am happy to give you all my difficult cases. Sometime during this first decade period I was called to Holy Family Hospital around midnight to see a life threatening rash. When I got to the hospital around 1 AM the woman around age 33, with 3 children ...

Difficult times with some aberrant and immature behavior. In protozology class I could not seem to understand the differences in appearance of the organizsms. Each lab session microscopes woud be set out with slides of the microorganisms swimming in water. I began to wondr if anyone could see these differences and so one day I went to the lab early and moved the label with the name of the protozoan over 1 or 2 microscopes wondering if anyone could tell the diffenece. In class I called one of the intructors over to a microscope to tell me what were the characteristics of the animal under the scope. The label of course was wrong. He looked down for a moment, looked up, and said, now move the labels back where they belong! I was very impressed that he caught on so well and apparently enjoyed my joke. Looking back I am a bit intimidated at why I would not take the class seriously, examine my own deficiency, and put myself at tisk. I repeatedly got away with this anti-social behavior thro...

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My days in the emergency room were very different from what they are today. I believe I worked in the ER during 1971-1973 or 4. I worked at local hospitals in Elmhurst Hospital and Central Dupage Hospital. In those days most of us were not trained in ER medicine and certainly did not  do residency programs or were board certified. Qualifications included medical license, getting along with physicians and not having too many patient complaints. I wouyld not qualify today but then any physician potentially could serve. While I remember myself inadequate I was better than many and perhaps for the most part relied upon common sense. My first job was Elmhurst Memorial Hospital and there was an excellent and experienced nurse who saw my inexperience and guided me through patient triage, exam, and treatment. One night Hell's Angels had a fight in a local bar and the leader was brought to the ER unconscious. He was probably 5'9'' or so and relatively slight like myself. A com...

I was not impressive as a medical student. At least I didn't study much and was not focused on learning. I did enjoy insights into patient care, but more on an emotional level than physical malady. This defines system I thinking from systemII in fast thinking slow thinking. Mostly lazy intuitive thought as opposed to thinking and self control. A look at my transcript t shows, to my now chagrin, a note from the assistant dean of the school (Dr Colwell, University of Missouri , Columbia, class of 1969, that I was a marked underachiever. How humiliating. But I had no idea how to fixate myself to a goal of learning and was what I would describer as a superficial student.Most of my life was spent in emotional turmoil. ANTISEMITISM My first year was hard. I lived in a dorm  and had a few Jewish friends/acquaintances on the floor but I I didn't bond well with anyone as I never have. My forte was criticism though I didn't voice my feelings about others and mostly kept to myself.; ...